A Study In Snarks
by CatsWhiskers
Summary: Inspired by 'The Frumious Cumberbatch' by Rae666. What if Sherlock's faithful blogger had been Lewis Carroll?
1. Chapter 1

**THE ARRIVAL**

"Just the place for the Snark!" the Detective cried,

As he parked the Range Rover with care;

Arranging his fashionable scarf round his neck

And adjusting his collar and hair.

.

"Just the place for the Snark! I have now said it twice:

That alone should convince all of you.

Just the place for the Snark! I have now told you thrice:

What I tell you three times must be true."

.

The team was complete: it included Lestrade-

(A DI of quite some renown) -

A Doctor, brought in to record their success -

And a Sergeant, her face in a frown.

.

There was also a Landlady, that sat in quiet calm,

Or would brew them some tea by and by:

And had often (the Detective said) saved him from harm,

Though none of the others knew why.

.

Mycroft was famed for the number of things

He brought when he started from home:

His umbrella, his watch, his tiepin and ring,

His assistant, his mobile phone.

.

He had forty-two files, all carefully sealed,

And 'Top Secret' stamped, clear and plain:

But, since he omitted to mention the fact,

They were all left behind in the rain.

.

The loss of his files hardly mattered, because

His assistant had brought her Blackberry,

And downloaded like mad: but the worst of it was,

He had wholly forgotten his teddy.

.

"His form is ungainly - his intellect small-"

(The Detective would often remark)

"But his courage is perfect! And that, after all,

Is the thing that one needs with the Snark."

.

He would talk with the enemy, returning its stare

With an impudent shake of the head:

And he once went a walk with a mass murderer

"Just to keep up my spirits," he said.

.

He came as an observer: but owned, when too late-

And it drove the Detective quite wild -

He was observing his brother – and this, I may state,

He had frequently done, since a child.

.

The Landlady, who happened to hear this remark,

Protested, with tears in her eyes,

That not even the rapture of hunting the Snark

Could atone for that dismal surprise!

.

She strongly advised that Mycroft should be

Sent home on the next London train:

But the Detective declared that would never agree

With the plans he had stored in his brain:

.

Navigation is always a difficult art,

When the SatNav has gone on the blink:

And he feared he must really decline: for his part,

Mycroft must map-read, and think.

.

The Detective's next course was, no doubt, to procure

A second-hand bullet-proof vest

(So Lestrade advised) –and always ensure

That he wore it right next to his chest.

.

The Assistant suggested (and offered her hire

On moderate terms, to obtain)

Two Insurance Policies, one Against Fire,

And one Against Damage From Rain.

.

Yet still, ever after that sorrowful day,

Whenever Mycroft was nigh,

The Landlady kept looking the opposite way,

And seemed unaccountably shy.


	2. The Detective

**A/N: I should have added the disclaimer: all characters belong to ACD/BBC Sherlock/Lewis Carroll (other than the coal merchant). Inspired by the Hunting of the Snark. Clearly I have a twisted mind, but bits of this I'm actually quite pleased with. . Any/all comments welcome.**

* * *

><p><strong>THE DETECTIVE'S SPEECH<strong>

The Detective himself they all praised to the skies-

Such style, such clothes and such grace!

Such genius, too! One could see he was wise,

The moment one looked in his face!

.

He gave Mycroft a map representing the way,

Without the least vestige of land:

And Mycroft was pleased when he found it to be

A map he could quite understand.

.

"What's the good of a map showing roads, streets and lanes

North, South, East or West, curves and lines?"

The Detective would cry: and the team would reply

"They are merely conventional signs!

.

"We've seen maps with such shapes – some show islands and capes!

But we've got the Detective to thank:"

(So the team would protest) "he has bought us the best-

A perfect and absolute blank!"

.

This was charming, no doubt; but they shortly found out

The Detective they trusted so well

Was fixated with speed, and could only proceed

With his foot down, driving like hell.

.

He was thoughtful and grave - but the orders he gave

Were enough to bewilder any crew.

When he shouted "Where the hell are we? That sign said Malawi!"

What on earth was poor Mycroft to do?

.

Then the clutch got mixed up with the handbrake sometimes:

A thing, the Detective remarked,

That frequently happens in tropical climes,

But it didn't half get the team narked.

.

They began to complain when time and again

The Detective, perplexed and distressed,

Said he had hoped, at least, when he steered to the East,

That the car would not travel due West!

.

But the danger was past - they had arrived at last,

Despite all the squabbling and pain:

Yet at first sight the team were not pleased, for it seemed,

They'd been driven to London. Again.

.

The Detective perceived that their spirits were low,

And explained in low baritone

Deductions he had kept for a season of woe-

But the team would do nothing but groan.

.

He served out some gin with a liberal hand,

A double, ice and slice, one for each:

And they could not but own the Detective looked grand,

As he stood and delivered his speech.

.

"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your feet!"

(He could never remember quotations:

But they drank to his health, and they gave him three cheers,

When he served out additional libations).

.

"We have driven for months, we have driven many weeks,

(Four weeks to the month you may mark),

But never as yet ('tis your Detective who speaks)

Have we caught the least glimpse of the Snark!

.

"Listen, women - and men - while I tell you again

Of each unmistakable mark

By which you may know, wheresoever you go,

The warranted genuine Snark.

.

"Let us take them in order. The first is the haste

With which all its plans do complete:

Like my coat (which is rather too tight in the waist,

But shows off my figure a treat).

.

"There are four more signs: and it takes no great minds

To calculate this means there's five.

I'd tell you the rest, but – and this is no jest –

I've deleted them from my hard drive."

.

"And, although common Snarks do all manner of harm,

Yet, I feel it my duty to say,

Some are Jayems-" – the Detective broke off in alarm,

For Mycroft had fainted away.


	3. Mycroft's Tale

**Fit the Third: MYCROFT'S TALE**

* * *

><p>They roused him with muffins - they roused him with buns -<p>

They roused him with cake and gateaux

They roused him with jam and Victoria sponge

They roused him with cream (real and faux).

.

When at length he sat up and was able to speak,

His sad story he began to relate;

The Detective cried "Silence! Not even a shriek!"

And excitedly passed the cake plate.

.

"Our father and mother were honest, though poor-"

"Skip all that!" cried the Detective, going red.

"If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of the Snark-

"And I need a bath before bed."

.

"I skip forty-two years," said Mycroft, in tears,

"And proceed without further remark

To the day when you took me along on this trip

To assist you in hunting the Snark.

.

"A dear uncle of ours (after whom I was named)

Remarked, when I bade him goodbye -"

"Oh, skip our dear uncle!" the Detective exclaimed,

As he cut a fresh slice of peach pie.

.

"He remarked to me then," (said that plumpest of men)

'If your Snark be the Snark, that is right:

Fetch it home by all means- though it may try to turn Queens',

Evidence, which is surely not right.

.

'You may seek it with caution, you may seek it with care;

Pursue it with despair and glee;

Though it may well cause you to tear at your hair,

You may charm it with smiles and with tea."

.

"That's exactly the method," the Detective bold

(Whilst passing the petit-four) cried,

"That's exactly the way which I've always told

Capture of the Snark should be tried!"

.

"'But oh, plumpish nephew, beware of the day,

If the Snark be a Jayem! For then

You will softly and suddenly vanish away,

And never be met with again!'

.

"It is this, it is this that oppresses my soul,

It's much worse than you'd see on the telly:

And my heart is quivering just like a bowl

Of trifle and raspberry jelly."

.

"It is this, it is this-" "You have said that before!"

The Detective indignantly said.

And Mycroft replied "Let me say it once more.

It is this, it is this that I dread!

.

"I engage with the Snark-every night after dark-

In a dreamy delirious fight:

And it tries to turn Queens' in those shadowy scenes,

And I know in my heart that's not right:

.

"But if ever we meet with a Jayem, that day,

In a moment (of this I am sure),

We shall softly and suddenly vanish away-

And the notion I cannot endure!"


	4. The Hunting

**Fit the fourth: THE HUNTING**

**Apologises if I seem to stray into 'Hill Street Blues' in the sixth stanza. It made sense when Iwrote it - curse this insomnia!**

* * *

><p>The Detective looked peevish, and wrinkled his brow.<p>

"If only you'd spoken before!

It's excessively awkward to mention it now,

With the Snark, so to speak, at the door!

.

"We should most of us grieve, as you well may believe,

If you never were met with again-

But surely, Mycroft, when the journey began,

You might have suggested it then?

.

"It's excessively awkward to mention it now-

As I think I've already remarked."

And the man they called "My" replied, with a sigh,

"I informed you the day we embarked.

.

"I told you at breakfast, I told you at lunch

In that restaurant where they serve only Greek:

But I wholly forgot (and it vexes me much)

That you never listen when I speak!"

.

"'Tis a pitiful tale," said the Detective, whose face

Had paled to the colour of string:

"But, now that you've stated the whole of your case,

More debate would be simply boring."

.

"The pub shuts at half ten" (he explained to his men)

"And we have until then to get plastered

But the Snark is at hand, let me tell you again!

'Tis your duty to go get the bastard!"

.

"To seek it with caution, to seek it with care;

To pursue it with despair and glee;

Though it may well cause us to tear at our hair,

We may charm it with smiles and with tea."

.

"For the Snark's a peculiar creature, that won't

Be caught in a commonplace way.

Do all that you know, and try all that you don't:

And mine's a large Scotch, by the way."

.

"For England expects - I forbear to proceed:

'Tis a maxim tremendous, but trite:

And you'd best be unpacking the things that you need

To rig yourselves out for the fight."

.

The Assistant endorsed a blank cheque (which she crossed),

And changed her loose silver for notes.

Mycroft with care combed his thinning hair,

And shook cake crumbs out of his coats.

.

Lestrade and the Sergeant were sharpening a spade -

Each working the grindstone in turn:

But the Landlady went on making tea, and displayed

No interest in the concern.

.

But the Doctor turned nervous, and dressed himself fine,

With cable-knit jumper and cap

Said he felt it exactly like going to dine,

Which the Detective deduced was just crap.

.

The Landlady went simply galumphing about,

At seeing the Doctor so shy:

And even Mycroft, though humourless and stout,

Made an effort to wink with one eye.

.

"Be a man!" said the Detective in wrath, as he heard

The Doctor beginning to sob.

"Should we meet with the Adler, that desperate bird,

I shall need all my strength for the job!"


	5. The Landlady

Fit the Fifth

THE LANDLADY'S LESSON

They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;

They pursued it with despair and glee;

And e'en thought it caused them to tear at their hair,

They charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

Then Mycroft contrived an ingenious plan

For making a separate sally;

And had fixed on a spot unfrequented by man,

A dismal and desolate alley.

.

But the very same plan to the Landlady occurred:

She had chosen the very same place!

Yet neither betrayed, by a sign or a word,

The disgust that appeared in their face.

.

Each thought they was thinking of nothing but "Snark"

And the glorious work of the day;

And each tried to pretend that they did not remark

That the other was going that way.

.

But the alley grew narrow and narrower still,

And the evening got darker and colder,

Till (merely from nervousness, not from goodwill)

They marched along shoulder to shoulder.

.

Then a scream, shrill and high, rent the shuddering sky,

And they knew that some danger was near:

The Landlady rose to the tip of her toes,

And even poor Mycroft felt queer.

.

He thought of his childhood, left far far behind-

That blissful and innocent state-

The sound so exactly recalled to his mind

A cakefork squeaking on a plate!

.

"'Tis the voice of the Adler!" he suddenly cried.

(This man, that they thought of as "Dunce.")

"The Detective would tell you," he added with pride,

"I have uttered that sentiment once.

.

"'Tis the note of the Adler! Keep count, I entreat;

You will find I have told it you twice.

'Tis the song of the Adler! The proof is complete,

If only I've stated it thrice."

.

The Landlady had counted with scrupulous care,

Attending to every word:

But she fairly lost heart, and called out in despair,

When the third repetition occurred.

.

She felt that, in spite of all possible pains,

She had somehow contrived to lose count,

And the only thing now was to rack her poor brains

By reckoning up the amount.

.

"Two added to one-if that could but be done,"

She said, "with one's fingers and thumbs!"

Recollecting with tears how, in earlier years,

She had taken no pains with her sums.

.

"The thing can be done," said Mycroft, "I think.

The thing must be done, I am sure.

The thing shall be done! Bring me paper and ink,

The best there is time to procure."

.

The Landlady brought paper, pencils and pens,

And cake in unfailing supplies:

While the Homeless Network came out of their dens,

And watched them with wondering eyes.

.

So engrossed was Mycroft, he heeded them not,

As he wrote with a pen in each hand,

And explained all the while in a popular style

Which the Landlady could understand.

.

"Taking Three as the subject to reason about-

A convenient number to state-

We add Seven, and Ten, and then multiply out

By One Thousand diminished by Eight.

.

"The result we proceed to divide, as you see,

By Nine Hundred and Ninety Two:

Then subtract Seventeen, and the answer must be

Exactly and perfectly true.

.

"The method employed I would gladly explain,

While I have it so clear in my head,

If I had but the time and you had but the brain-

But much yet remains to be said.

.

"In one moment I've seen what has hitherto been

Enveloped in absolute mystery,

And without extra charge I will give you at large

A Lesson in Unnatural History."

.

In his genial way he proceeded to say

(Forgetting closing time in the pub

And that giving instruction, without introduction,

Would upset the Diogenes Club),

.

"As to temper the Adler's a desperate bird,

Since she lives in perpetual passion:

Her taste in seduction's entirely absurd -

She is ages ahead of the fashion:

.

"But she knows any client she's beaten before:

She will always look twice at a bribe:

At Cabinet meetings, her ear's to the door,

To a whip-round she always subscribes.

.

"Her appearance when dressed is more exquisite far

Than marble, or Faberge eggs:

(Some think she keeps her rouge in an ivory jar,

And some, in mahogany kegs)

.

"You may rub her with oil; you may rub her with glue:

You may bind her with chain and with tape:

Still keeping one principal object in view-

To preserve her symmetrical shape."

.

Mycroft would gladly have talked till next day,

But he felt that the lesson must end,

And he wept with delight in attempting to say

He considered the Landlady his friend.

.

The Landlady confessed, with affectionate looks

More eloquent even than tears,

She had learned in ten minutes far more than all books

Had taught her in the last sixty years.

.

They returned hand-in-hand: the Detective, unmanned

By the fact their dispute was over,

Said "This amply repays all the wearisome days

We have spent in that bloody Range Rover!"

.

Such friends, as the Landlady and Mycroft became,

Have seldom if ever been known;

In winter or summer, 'twas always the same-

You would always find them on the 'phone.

.

And when quarrels arose-as one frequently finds

Quarrels will, spite of every endeavour -

The song of the Adler recurred to their minds,

And cemented their friendship for ever!


	6. The Sergeant's Dream

**Fit the Sixth**

**THE SERGEANT'S DREAM**

* * *

><p>They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;<p>

They pursued it with despair and glee;

And e'en thought it caused them to tear at their hair,

They charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

But the Sergeant, weary of proving in vain

The Detective's deductions were wrong,

Fell asleep, and in her dreams saw the creature quite plain

That her fancy had dwelt on so long.

.

She dreamed that she stood in a shadowy Court,

Where the Snark, with a glass in his hand,

In his best Westwood suit, was playing the flute

With a second-rate military band.

.

The charge seemed to have never been clearly expressed,

And it seemed that the Snark had begun,

And had spoken three hours, before any one guessed

What he was supposed to have done.

.

The Jury were threatened in different ways

(Long before the indictment was read),

And they all spoke at once, so that none of them knew

One word that the others had said.

.

"My future fate now depends on your votes."

Here the Snark sat down in his place,

And directed the Judge to refer to his notes

And briefly to sum up the case.

.

But the Judge said he never had summed up before;

So the Snark undertook it instead,

And summed it so well that it came to far more

Than the Witnesses ever had said!

.

When the verdict was called for, the Jury declined,

As the words were so puzzling to spell;

But they ventured to hope that the Snark wouldn't mind

Undertaking that duty as well.

.

So the Snark found the verdict, although, as he owned,

He was spent with the toils of the day:

When he said "NOT GUILTY!" the Jury all groaned,

And Lestrade fainted away.

.

Thus Donovan dreamed, while a bellowing seemed

To grow every moment more clear:

Till she woke to the knell of a furious bell,

The Detective rang close to her ear.


	7. The Assistant's Fate

**Fit the Seventh**

**THE ASSISTANT'S FATE**

* * *

><p>They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;<p>

They pursued it with despair and glee;

And e'en though it caused them to tear at their hair,

They charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

The Assistant, inspired with a courage so new

It was matter for general remark,

Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view

In her zeal to discover the Snark

.

But while she was seeking with caution and care,

A cab driver swiftly drew nigh

And grabbed the Assistant, who shrieked in despair,

For she knew it was useless to fly.

.

She offered him money - she offered a cheque

(Drawn "to bearer") for seven-pounds-ten:

But the cab driver merely extended his hand

And grabbed the Assistant again.

.

Without pausing to text - for he gave her no rest,

But just turned his taxi-cab round -

She skipped and she hopped, and she floundered and flopped,

Till fainting she fell to the ground.

.

The cab driver fled as the others appeared

Led on by that fear-stricken din:

The Detective remarked "It is just as I feared!"

And played on his violin.

.

She was red in the face, and they scarcely could trace

The least likeness to what she had been:

While so great was her fright that her hair had turned white-

A wonderful thing to be seen!

.

To the horror of all who were present that day

She uprose in her black business dress,

And with senseless grimaces endeavoured to say

What her tongue could no longer express.

.

Down she sank in a chair – ran a comb through her hair -

Undertaking the strangest of deeds:

Acts whose utter inanity proved her insanity,

For she texted a coal merchant in Leeds.

.

"Leave her here to her fate - it is getting so late!"

(The Detective, his temper disclosing.)

"We have lost half the day. Any further delay,

And we shan't reach the pub before closing!"


	8. The Vanishing

**Fit the Eighth**

**THE VANISHING**

They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;

They pursued it with despair and glee;

Though it caused the Detective to tear at his hair,

He charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

They shuddered to think what the chase might reveal,

And the DI, excited at last,

Went bounding along on his toes and his heels,

For the daylight was nearly past.

.

"There is the Freak shouting!" Donovan said,

"He is shouting like mad, only hark!

He is waving his hands, he is shaking his head,

He has certainly discovered the Snark!"

.

They gazed in delight, while Mycroft exclaimed

"He was a genius, even in youth!"

They beheld the Detective - their hero proclaimed -

On the top of a hospital roof.

.

Heroic and sublime, for one moment of time.

In the next, that thin figure they saw

In his tight purple shirt, plummet down to the dirt,

While they waited and listened in awe.

.

"It's the Snark!" was the sound that first came to their ears,

And seemed almost emotional, for him.

Then followed a torrent of laughter and cheers:

Then the ominous words "No! It's Jim!"

.

Then, silence. Some fancied they heard in the air

A weary and wandering sigh

That sounded like "John!" but the others declare

It was only a cyclist go by.

.

They hunted till darkness came on, but they found

Not his coat, nor his scarf, nor a mark,

By which they could tell that they stood on the ground

Where the Detective had met with the Snark.

.

In the midst of the words he was trying to say,

In the midst of his laughter and glee,

He had softly and suddenly vanished away-

For the Snark was Moriarty, you see.


End file.
